what if their right?

My sister and brother in law told me a few days ago that I fell in love but I'm to scared to say it so I'll just keep denying it. What if their right? Then what? What does it mean? What am I suppose to do? How do I know its real? What is it suppose to feel like? so many questions but where are the answers..

I can't believe..

I can't believe I broke down in tears a few days ago. WHY??? I repeatedly ask myself and don't have a full on answer to.

This is what happen..I went for a drive to drop off cd's to a friend and on my way back I decided to make a stop or two. BAD MISTAKE!! The first stop I was fine for about 3mins then the watery eyes started up. I was still driving so I had to pull myself together. Once I got to the second stop..OH MY GOD! The water works began..lol I haven't cried so much in forever! The memories came back and I couldn't handle it. I felt so weak and vulnerable. What does it mean?

I wonder..why is that? why is it when certain things jog your memory it can make you vulnerable? whether its a good memory or bad memory an unexpected emotion more then likely will occur.

HIM "don't close your heart"

this is a good song..

FUCK THIS!!

I started saying FUCK YOU to the world and everyone in it the day my grandpa died. I've realized since that day things just crumbled in my life. Things that went wrong for me just made me want to not trust anyone.

First my grandpa is dead, my sister leaves home, my parents abused me, my brother-in-law who I was close with at the time said he was leaving my sister so he didn't know if he was ever see me again, my other sister who I had grown a strong bond with runs away from home and my parents were continuously on/off with divorce threats...HMMM!!! AND THEY WONDER WHY I HAVE TRUST AND STABILITY ISSUES!


I can't blame it all on them but fuck I was young when this all happen. Your not suppose to be dealing with that when your a kid. Now I know why I refuse to let someone part of my world. I expect them to not be around anyways all they're going to do is leave so I end up hurt and disappointed. For a quick second I've let my guard down to allow someone in but I can't help to think WHY? When I already know the ending.

Once again I'm going back to my old self and saying "FUCK YOU" because this shit is for the birds...

why do they deny?

Every time I see the both of them that day continues to recap through my mind. It's like a song on repeat playing over again and the hurt comes back feeling helpless and terrified.


Happening for the first time I was at school when I got home my sister Cindy told me what had happen. They had beat on her. Being so young I didn't understand why they would do this to her. What did she do wrong? She only left for a little while. When the second time occurred we were all there to witness the fight. I blamed Crystal for what had happen..we all did. She came back crying saying Ilene had the dogs attack her. Ilene said she was coming back for her but she had to go real quick to pick up her make-up box from across the street. Crystal didn't listen and went any ways and when she came back crying my mom didn't hesitate to walk in the middle of the street, grabbed Ilene by the hair and started to drag her back home. Ilene swung her fist and didn't stop. My mother yelled for Cindy and I to get my father who was asleep and knew didn't like to be disturbed. We ran quickly to get him after telling him my mother and Ilene were fighting in the middle of the street he slowly got up and walked to the front door. Yelling at both of them to get their ass inside. Ilene had went straight into her room and didn't come out for that whole day. My Nina had stopped by..i guess to talk to her and see what started everything.

The third time my mother wasn't there because she had went to Las Vegas with my grandparents. I remember I was in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal..Lucky Charms to be exact..My dad was getting upset with us because my mom was on her way home soon and he wanted us to clean. At the time he was all about soccer nothing could take him away from his game. He had just yelled at Ilene, Crystal and Cindy to go start cleaning. They had went into the room laughing, messing around having a good time repeating after the movie Color Purple. "I want my shoes clean" was the only thing I could hear them say from where I was at. I remember giggling to myself. Well he got really upset, walked heavy all the way to the room even though it wasn't a long distances of walk you can hear how mad he was. Pounding on the door like the damn police scared all of us. All my sisters were in the room I could hear that they even got scared but trying to laugh it off like nothing. They had used the ladder from the bunk bed to pin the door and Cindy had sat on it so he couldn't have just open the door easily. I started to walk to the room door and asked the girls to open it. I remember telling my dad I'll take care of it and tried to push him away but he didn't even budge. You can see the fire in he's eyes on how heated he was. Finally Cindy open the door half way and he just pushed it open went straight into the closet where Ilene and Crystal were hiding. He grabbed Crystal first because she was in front of Ilene and tossed her to the other side of the room. Then he got Ilene out of the closet..I can remember hearing screaming and crying for him to stop but so much was going on I couldn't take it all in it was just happening so fast. All of us trying to hold my dad back from going at Ilene then the phone had rang. I went running picked it up and it was Ilene's boyfriend George I tried to act like everything was fine but I had started crying telling him everything is fine. He kept asking me what was wrong and what was going on..that's all I kept saying it was fine nothing was wrong. Once my dad realized I was on the phone he rushed over to me snatched the phone from my hand and hung it up. Ilene had continued to cuss him out telling him he was nothing to her just some guy who came every night to fuck our mother. Trying to get her to shut up because she was only provoking him to want to beat the shit out of her more. Everyone had finally cooled down and walked their own way. My dad went outside to talk to the neighbors and Ilene called George to pick her up because she was leaving. As she was packing my dad came back inside he tried to hug Cindy but she wasn't having it then he came to me and hugged me it seem like he didn't want to let go. All he kept saying was he was sorry, he didn't mean to put us through that. When George got to the house my dad walked outside and tried to explain but he didn't care. Ilene was saying her good byes to us. She had told me she was leaving and didn't know if she could ever come back but she would try to see us when she got the chance. I cried even more when that car drove away. I was in Elementary when that situation happen and still today I don't understand why he did that. Did it make him feel more like a man?
Did it make him feel warm and fuzzy inside? Cindy had got a bruised arm and Crystal had a brusied chest. I wonder was it really worth harming your kids just so you feel that you have control or power over them. Later we found out she was pregnant during one of the 3 times of the commotions. He kicked her so hard in her stomach she had lost the child. She will never forgive him for that.


Ilene was safe now but it made us all wonder, who was next in line? A few years past and Ilene was coming back around although she still wasn't leaving at home. Everything seem to be going good we didn't see it coming or at least I didn't.

My mom knew I hated doing my homework I would always leave it in my backpack like a dumbass so it just got collected. One day she decided to go through it didn't give me much of a choice my dad was there she knew I wasn't going to say anything. Pretending to do the homework I had that day she found the other unfinished or undone homework papers. Now I had just switched classes because I had issues with a teacher so the unfinished/undone homework and class work were from the previous teacher. She didn't bother to ask all she did was show my dad I wasn't doing my work so like usual he got upset. Cindy was on the couch when they were going through my stuff and Crystal was in her room. A few minutes later my mom found a poem in my notebook that had the word "FUCKING"..she had told Cindy to get into the room and once again showed it to my dad. He looked at it, walked over to me, shoved the paper in my face and said "is that what we send you to school for" i didn't respond he said "huh"..I could feel my heart beating so fast because I knew what was next and sure enough (WACK) he popped me dead on the nose then socked me across my face so hard I almost fell out of my chair. The chair literally lifted up off 2 legs..as soon as I got balance my mom came up from the side put the unfinished work on the table and told me I wasn't getting up until I was done. Then she decided slapping me a few times would make her feel better I curled up into my knees and covered my head with my hands but apparently slapping me around wasn't good enough so she started to pound on my back with her fist. Cindy said she could hear them hitting me and she tried to get to me but Crystal blocked her from leaving the room she said "she deserves what she gets"..my mother stopped and joined my father in the shower. Cindy had came out of the room and went to me but I told her to go back I didn't want her to get into trouble. My parents came out the shower and she quickly ran back into the room..I guess my mother still felt like I hadn't learned my lesson so she hit me some more. Finally when she asked why wasn't the work done I told her it was old work from a teacher I didn't have anymore. Looking at me she excused me from the table and was allowed to get into the shower then straight to bed. Looking at my back having red marks just made me cry.

Even bringing up that day to my mother now she denies what happen both not wanting to believe any of the things that had occurred in what was suppose to be a safe home.

just being random

Some people wait years for the one, what if the one is right in front of you but your just to scared to see it because that means you have to let your wall down. Even if they do see it but are to scared to admit it. You keep getting that gut feeling that there's a reason for them but what? How can a person be right in front of you but feel so far away? You know if you just put out your hand you can touch them and when you do your barely holding on to the tip of their fingers. If you don't find a way to get to that extra step you know you'll lose them forever.

Secrets of Pain

By: Anonymous

Pain is my middle name
Suffocating in my own world
With no oxygen
You can’t possible imagine

To feel what I feel
To see what I see
To hear what I hear
Could never be close not even near

The tears that have soaked onto the floor
Blood that has spilt on the blades of depression
Inside the walls stories still remain
Of not just mine but their suffering and pain

Cursed names that were called
Remember the screaming and yelling
Anger coming from both sides
Being small not knowing should I help or hide

That day changed all our lives and made it what is its today
Scared to take a challenge but risking it all the way
Accepting what was our next mistakes
Not seeing what was going to be reality of those stakes


Each one made their own density or had a goal
The first has no sense of direction
Having one path yet wants to take another
Not enough satisfaction from one so she married his brother

The second is living a fairytale
She can’t tell reality anymore
Believing her lies are real
With two kids and married to a navy seal

The third just wanted freedom
Seeing her first opportunity and took it
She puts on a front but deep within still lives in misery
He knows and denies what he sees

Next is the baby of the family
Hiding her past of what she use to be
Holding every emotion inside never letting it show
She has more problems and secrets then they’ll ever know

You have read only a taste of what has been done
Their life will be nothing but pieces, it can never be one
Anger, depression, confusion, etc. it’s who they excepted to be
Only they can change their destiny

oh man!

I got back with my ex starting on July 18th. I had decided to give us another shot since I didn't really give us chance last time. I'm happy.

I just found out my other ex had wanted us to get back together. WOW!! so didn't expect that. She was my first girlfriend and it was that puppy luv. I admit it hurt to know that but I'm with someone else and she's to far from me. The distance will kill us and she knows it.

I had another dream about this other girl. In both dreams I feel like I'm not going to find her but I know she's not lost though. It's getting weird now.

July 18

Life is crazy. Had a kinda deep text conversation with her. She made me rethink everything. I'm going to take a chance.

Deadly

I’m a criminal

I’ve pride myself on others misery
Feeding on their agony
With no assumption of the out come
I’m like a cheetah, go ahead out run me
I’ll like to see you try
My vampire seduction eyes will have you in a daze
Hypnotize by my voice and touch
In less then an hour you won’t remember much
Giving you comfort in all the right places
Keeping your heart filled with tenderness
Any wall you have is no match for this homemade liquid acid
A pinch of sweet, comfort, kindness, gentle, untouchable, different & innocent
A drug like no other
Just as beautiful as a black rose but deadly to the touch
There’s no such thing as love but lust
Once you’ve tasted the sweetest of wine
You will soon desire to be mine
Living my life in secrets
The harm I cause to everyone that passes through my way
Picking them up then throwing them away
Don’t trust yourself with me
I’m a walking, breathing disease

OOPS!

Last night was interesting. I kicked it with this girl that I only met once. The first time we hung out it was kinda boring..lol I'm not trying to talk shit but she was so quiet but last night..DAAMMMNNN!!! lol...she was still quiet but now I know it's true the quiet ones are the ones you have to look out for because I didn't expect that shit to happen. It was cool though I had fun she got my attention but I'm not trying to have a relationship right now.

The Truth..

I'm the person who would fuck with peoples minds. I would play games just as to see how far I can take them. To see how deep they would let me in on their emotions. Preying on every mind. Never once did I feel a single emotion nor sympathy for anyone. It was just another game, another name on the list as I call it. At first I wasn't aware of what I had always done. A friend later told me of the damage that I seem to do because I did it to her. Not by letting her in on my very own emotions. Taking every drop she had of emotion just feeding on it. It never seemed to be enough so the next I went continuing with all that I find. Having them fall and making them believe love is on my mind when in fact being so selfish in taking all that they had to give emotionally then pushing them away. To have no conscious for this sickness that I've developed.

Is there hope for change? They say when the right person comes along you will not be able to play that game.

However has that day come. The one who started out to be a game became more precious to me then expected. After knowing them I didn't want to be that person anymore. Being that person was all that I've known to be the monster I've created. Willing to change for just one. How can this be possible? Why am I scared to lose something that's not mine? Why can't I just push them away like the rest? Why does it feel like pushing them away is the hardest thing I have to do? Why do I care for them so much? Why do I find it difficult to resist this feeling? It's something that's never happened to me before. Have I really changed?


??????

Continuously..

Why do I keep feeling like I'm falling so deep? No rope is long enough to get me out of this hole. My mind continuously is running around in circles and I end up back where I started. Feeling like I've been running for miles none stop yet to reach not even the half way point. The past that's feeding on my worse dark memories, eating me alive. Foreshadowing why I've become this monster. Asking the same questions over again. What is my purpose? Why does my life feel like it's repeating it's self? Drugs can not cure this pain. Maybe for a quick moment but it won't change the path that you take.


I'm on a bad downer today =(

It's 12:12am..

I can't sleep for shit. If I wasn't the one living in this body I would swear I was a vampire. Every day I keep going to bed later..last night it was around 2 or 3am before I fell asleep..now waking up around 11 or 12pm. UGH!! If I keep this up I will being going to bed around 5 or 6am and not waking up until 4 or 5pm. OMG!!!! WHY AM I HAVING SO MUCH TROUBLE GOING TO SLEEP? I guess It doesn't help when you have sister who's prego and stays up just as late, calling you right before your about to fall asleep trying to talk around 1 in the morning. When it was finally one day where your going to sleep early. GRRR!! =) My sister has mad insomniac when she's pregnant so I try to stay up with her so she's not up by herself. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my sisters. The sky is the limit when it comes to them. When I get a call I'm there doesn't matter what I'm doing or time I'll find some way or some how to get to them. Sometimes it's hard to balance them out..right now I'm in Beaumont helping my sister Ilene out because she busted her ankle but my sister Cindy keeps calling me asking when I'm going to go back to her casa. She wants me back now because she's lonely at her house. Cindy and I are real tight as close as a sister can get..you know..I could be in another state having fun with friends or working but the second she calls me I'm there..I'd leave it all. Sometimes I think that I could break every bone in my body and it's not enough for her. She's never told me that it wasn't enough but it's just how I feel.


I am a straight up pleaser. I have this bad habit of spoiling certain people. You can not be next to me and tell me you won't something because if your my flavor for the week I'll get it..I know that sounds really bad but that's how I am. My flavor for the week normally last a couple months. It makes me feel good though.

WOW! I'm actually feeling sleepy and it's barely going to be 1am..I'm going to bed before it goes away. =)