someone PLEASE explain to me..

What I don't understand is why when people know they need to get out of a relationship they don't do it. They themselves will say I'm tired of it and I'm done it's over nothing is going to make me stay then an hour later they say I couldn't do it. They were crying telling me I'll change everything will be different. Now how many times have people heard that and happen to be emotionally hurt, physically injured, or worse dead. All because their partner said it would be different this time. What makes this time different from the hundred other times they said it would be different or they would change?

1-You shouldn't have to change anyone

2-Why all of a sudden now they realize their fucking up and on the verge to lose the best thing going for them?

I'm just going to take a shot at this but could it be because their selfish asses who only think of themselves.

I've had sisters and friends who stood with complete assholes all because their significant other said I love you, I don't want to lose you, I can change, things will be different I promise, etc.. so they go back to them saying this is the last time but the last time never ends. It's a broken record because that's all you hear this is the last time.

I'm sorry if I sound a bit brutal for saying any of this but who ever goes back when they can get out of that relationship is an..how would you say idiot in nicer words...is foolish..nope that's to nice of a word..umm hard headed..UNWISE! that works. who ever doesn't get out of that kind of relationship would be extremely unwise of them. They're just asking to be treated like dirt. Sometimes I would wounder if they enjoyed being treated like dirt but when I ask they would say "NO, I DON'T LIKE BEING TREATED LIKE DIRT." They weren't like this when we first started talking...HELLO!!! nothing is ever what it seems. If it seems to good to be true then it probably is..there's always a catch. When your just friends nothing ever seems to bother anyone but as soon as that title is present then drama comes in. Now is when signs start to pop up..

-trying to control your every move

-try changing who you are

-telling you who you can and can not talk to

-has no trust in you and will accuse you of lying for everything

if they don't trust you then FUCK IT! walk away because trust is everything without trust you have nothing. The relationship doesn't exist..why? because all there will be is someone is overly paranoid who will accuse you every chance they get.



to be continued..

i didn't realize..

I use my past for an excuse so I don't have to feel..I don't have choice but not to feel...therefore no one can get close to me so what do you do when someone does break some of that wall and manages to get close enough...you watch your world fall apart. Everything you have ever known turns to black and no longer exist. Before you were on a path and knew what direction your going in but when someone stops you to show you another path at that moment you make it or break it. The direction you're already going you know where it ends but the new direction is a whole other world. Do you take it or keep walking?

I took it.

Now I'm trying to run back to the old path..WHY?

I don't have a problem with the new world I've been there before so what's making me turn around???

what if their right?

My sister and brother in law told me a few days ago that I fell in love but I'm to scared to say it so I'll just keep denying it. What if their right? Then what? What does it mean? What am I suppose to do? How do I know its real? What is it suppose to feel like? so many questions but where are the answers..

I can't believe..

I can't believe I broke down in tears a few days ago. WHY??? I repeatedly ask myself and don't have a full on answer to.

This is what happen..I went for a drive to drop off cd's to a friend and on my way back I decided to make a stop or two. BAD MISTAKE!! The first stop I was fine for about 3mins then the watery eyes started up. I was still driving so I had to pull myself together. Once I got to the second stop..OH MY GOD! The water works began..lol I haven't cried so much in forever! The memories came back and I couldn't handle it. I felt so weak and vulnerable. What does it mean?

I wonder..why is that? why is it when certain things jog your memory it can make you vulnerable? whether its a good memory or bad memory an unexpected emotion more then likely will occur.

HIM "don't close your heart"

this is a good song..

FUCK THIS!!

I started saying FUCK YOU to the world and everyone in it the day my grandpa died. I've realized since that day things just crumbled in my life. Things that went wrong for me just made me want to not trust anyone.

First my grandpa is dead, my sister leaves home, my parents abused me, my brother-in-law who I was close with at the time said he was leaving my sister so he didn't know if he was ever see me again, my other sister who I had grown a strong bond with runs away from home and my parents were continuously on/off with divorce threats...HMMM!!! AND THEY WONDER WHY I HAVE TRUST AND STABILITY ISSUES!


I can't blame it all on them but fuck I was young when this all happen. Your not suppose to be dealing with that when your a kid. Now I know why I refuse to let someone part of my world. I expect them to not be around anyways all they're going to do is leave so I end up hurt and disappointed. For a quick second I've let my guard down to allow someone in but I can't help to think WHY? When I already know the ending.

Once again I'm going back to my old self and saying "FUCK YOU" because this shit is for the birds...

why do they deny?

Every time I see the both of them that day continues to recap through my mind. It's like a song on repeat playing over again and the hurt comes back feeling helpless and terrified.


Happening for the first time I was at school when I got home my sister Cindy told me what had happen. They had beat on her. Being so young I didn't understand why they would do this to her. What did she do wrong? She only left for a little while. When the second time occurred we were all there to witness the fight. I blamed Crystal for what had happen..we all did. She came back crying saying Ilene had the dogs attack her. Ilene said she was coming back for her but she had to go real quick to pick up her make-up box from across the street. Crystal didn't listen and went any ways and when she came back crying my mom didn't hesitate to walk in the middle of the street, grabbed Ilene by the hair and started to drag her back home. Ilene swung her fist and didn't stop. My mother yelled for Cindy and I to get my father who was asleep and knew didn't like to be disturbed. We ran quickly to get him after telling him my mother and Ilene were fighting in the middle of the street he slowly got up and walked to the front door. Yelling at both of them to get their ass inside. Ilene had went straight into her room and didn't come out for that whole day. My Nina had stopped by..i guess to talk to her and see what started everything.

The third time my mother wasn't there because she had went to Las Vegas with my grandparents. I remember I was in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal..Lucky Charms to be exact..My dad was getting upset with us because my mom was on her way home soon and he wanted us to clean. At the time he was all about soccer nothing could take him away from his game. He had just yelled at Ilene, Crystal and Cindy to go start cleaning. They had went into the room laughing, messing around having a good time repeating after the movie Color Purple. "I want my shoes clean" was the only thing I could hear them say from where I was at. I remember giggling to myself. Well he got really upset, walked heavy all the way to the room even though it wasn't a long distances of walk you can hear how mad he was. Pounding on the door like the damn police scared all of us. All my sisters were in the room I could hear that they even got scared but trying to laugh it off like nothing. They had used the ladder from the bunk bed to pin the door and Cindy had sat on it so he couldn't have just open the door easily. I started to walk to the room door and asked the girls to open it. I remember telling my dad I'll take care of it and tried to push him away but he didn't even budge. You can see the fire in he's eyes on how heated he was. Finally Cindy open the door half way and he just pushed it open went straight into the closet where Ilene and Crystal were hiding. He grabbed Crystal first because she was in front of Ilene and tossed her to the other side of the room. Then he got Ilene out of the closet..I can remember hearing screaming and crying for him to stop but so much was going on I couldn't take it all in it was just happening so fast. All of us trying to hold my dad back from going at Ilene then the phone had rang. I went running picked it up and it was Ilene's boyfriend George I tried to act like everything was fine but I had started crying telling him everything is fine. He kept asking me what was wrong and what was going on..that's all I kept saying it was fine nothing was wrong. Once my dad realized I was on the phone he rushed over to me snatched the phone from my hand and hung it up. Ilene had continued to cuss him out telling him he was nothing to her just some guy who came every night to fuck our mother. Trying to get her to shut up because she was only provoking him to want to beat the shit out of her more. Everyone had finally cooled down and walked their own way. My dad went outside to talk to the neighbors and Ilene called George to pick her up because she was leaving. As she was packing my dad came back inside he tried to hug Cindy but she wasn't having it then he came to me and hugged me it seem like he didn't want to let go. All he kept saying was he was sorry, he didn't mean to put us through that. When George got to the house my dad walked outside and tried to explain but he didn't care. Ilene was saying her good byes to us. She had told me she was leaving and didn't know if she could ever come back but she would try to see us when she got the chance. I cried even more when that car drove away. I was in Elementary when that situation happen and still today I don't understand why he did that. Did it make him feel more like a man?
Did it make him feel warm and fuzzy inside? Cindy had got a bruised arm and Crystal had a brusied chest. I wonder was it really worth harming your kids just so you feel that you have control or power over them. Later we found out she was pregnant during one of the 3 times of the commotions. He kicked her so hard in her stomach she had lost the child. She will never forgive him for that.


Ilene was safe now but it made us all wonder, who was next in line? A few years past and Ilene was coming back around although she still wasn't leaving at home. Everything seem to be going good we didn't see it coming or at least I didn't.

My mom knew I hated doing my homework I would always leave it in my backpack like a dumbass so it just got collected. One day she decided to go through it didn't give me much of a choice my dad was there she knew I wasn't going to say anything. Pretending to do the homework I had that day she found the other unfinished or undone homework papers. Now I had just switched classes because I had issues with a teacher so the unfinished/undone homework and class work were from the previous teacher. She didn't bother to ask all she did was show my dad I wasn't doing my work so like usual he got upset. Cindy was on the couch when they were going through my stuff and Crystal was in her room. A few minutes later my mom found a poem in my notebook that had the word "FUCKING"..she had told Cindy to get into the room and once again showed it to my dad. He looked at it, walked over to me, shoved the paper in my face and said "is that what we send you to school for" i didn't respond he said "huh"..I could feel my heart beating so fast because I knew what was next and sure enough (WACK) he popped me dead on the nose then socked me across my face so hard I almost fell out of my chair. The chair literally lifted up off 2 legs..as soon as I got balance my mom came up from the side put the unfinished work on the table and told me I wasn't getting up until I was done. Then she decided slapping me a few times would make her feel better I curled up into my knees and covered my head with my hands but apparently slapping me around wasn't good enough so she started to pound on my back with her fist. Cindy said she could hear them hitting me and she tried to get to me but Crystal blocked her from leaving the room she said "she deserves what she gets"..my mother stopped and joined my father in the shower. Cindy had came out of the room and went to me but I told her to go back I didn't want her to get into trouble. My parents came out the shower and she quickly ran back into the room..I guess my mother still felt like I hadn't learned my lesson so she hit me some more. Finally when she asked why wasn't the work done I told her it was old work from a teacher I didn't have anymore. Looking at me she excused me from the table and was allowed to get into the shower then straight to bed. Looking at my back having red marks just made me cry.

Even bringing up that day to my mother now she denies what happen both not wanting to believe any of the things that had occurred in what was suppose to be a safe home.